Like no place else
How some bad jokes about chain restaurants got Mississippi State fans very, very angry with me.
Two weeks of college football are in the books, and this weekend, a certain segment of SEC fans were in midseason form.
I spent most of Sunday getting messages like this one.
Or, at least a bit more fun like this one.
Or, on the old Twitter dot com, ones like this.
I love Sundays. Each week, I write a Saturday night column that is intended to capture all the biggest stories of the week in college football, and in doing so, I make a bunch of often lame jokes that inevitably don’t go over well with their intended targets, and so Sundays are spent dealing with people who don’t take jokes well.
So, what set off Mississippi State fans? Here’s what I wrote.
What followed was utter euphoria unseen in Starkville since they announced the opening of a new Bass Pro Shops. The fans stormed the field, pulled down the goalposts, and, we assume, carried them off to be displayed at the town's most sacred shrine: the Chili's off Route 12.
Now, Bass Pro Shops are objectively great spots. In Memphis, there’s even one that was created by ancient Egyptians where, ostensibly, Cleopatra shopped for pontoon boats. Similarly, Chili’s is America’s favorite casual restaurant. So, frankly, this shouldn’t even be an insult. It feels like projecting to me.
Plus, to fully appreciate the humor as it was intended, you need to also read the next paragraph.
Meanwhile, after USF's go-ahead field goal as time expired knocked off the 13th-ranked Gators 18-16, Florida fans were left to rage against the football gods at their town's most sacred shrine: the Chili's off Archer Road.
See, the joke is that all SEC towns are basically the same chain-restaurant, middle-of-nowhere, backwater towns with no culture or personality. And that’s much more insulting. They were mad over the wrong thing!
And, to be fair, I took plenty of shots at my own home state in the same column in comparing the level of celebrity on each sideline for the Delaware-Colorado game.
There was plenty of star power on display in Boulder, Colorado, in Week 2 as the Buffaloes welcomed Delaware. On one sideline was Deion Sanders, an NFL Hall of Famer, former two-sport star, reality TV personality and one of the biggest brands in sports. On the other sideline was Delaware, which is the country's fifth-largest producer of shoehorns. The paparazzi was out in full force hoping to get a shot of Coach Prime or Delaware's Ryan "Coach Tac-Shaver Infomercial on the CW at 3 a.m." Carty, but the edge, in the case, went to Sanders. His Buffs overcame a sluggish start, no doubt due to being in awe of all the celebrities on Delaware's sideline (Judge Reinhold, Teri Polo, the guy who works the overnight shift at the Wawa on Union Street), winning 31-7 behind two touchdown passes from third-string QB Ryan Staub. The Hens, meanwhile, had to settle for drowning sorrows with other A-listers at Elisabeth Shue's late-night hot tub party.
Now, do I really hate Delaware enough to take pot shots at the state or am I just looking for ways to keep Teri Polo relevant?1 The column is meant to be fun and light-hearted but, when a single screen grab on social media or message boards makes the rounds without context — as happens most weeks — I end up hearing about it from lots of outraged fans.
That’s fine. I actually enjoy the feedback. The passion is what makes college football great.
And here’s the thing: I actually probably deserved it this week. The Mississippi State jokes were perfectly reasonable, but they were cheap and directed at a team that won; that pulled off a stunning upset and deserved to celebrate, not be chastised for liking Chili’s. It was not my best work.
I note all of this because it gets at a larger point about trying to be funny. There’s an ongoing debate about “woke” and “cancel culture” and how it relates to comedy, a field for which I have zero expertise but lots of strong opinions. And my takeaway when it comes to censoring comedy is this: There should be nothing off limits. Comedy is the best way to question social mores, critique power, and speak truth. But also, if you’re going to make a joke, the point cannot be that its controversial or makes people uncomfortable. It has to be funny.
Take, for example, the Tony Hinchcliffe material at the Trump rally last November.2 Should he not have been able to make a joke at the expense of a culture, race or social class? Well, one rule is to know your audience, and I’d wager he probably assumed he was in a safe space. But the more important issue is that the material was fair game, but the jokes were lame. They weren’t funny. They require no effort. They expressed no deeper insight into an issue. There didn’t enlighten or inform or even entertain. They simply punched down, like a bully on an elementary school playground.
And that’s probably what I did to the fine folks of Starkville, too. So, my bad. I’m sure there’s lots more to enjoy there than fast-casual chain restaurants and boating goods superstores.
But also… I live in Charlotte, a place reasonably described as “the Chili’s of major American cities.” Sometimes you’ve just got to own it.
It’s Backyard Brawl week
Inside ACCess is back this Thursday at 5 p.m. on ACCN. Our guests include Larry Williams, who’ll try to explain what the hell is going on with Clemson, and Pitt head coach Pat Narduzzi, who’s taking time from his grueling routine of watching old West Virginia film to get nice and angry for this week’s contest
Pitt’s looked exceptional through two games — both vs. cupcakes — but Week 3 is different. The Panthers travel to West Virginia for one of the great rivalries in college football. The Mountaineers are fresh off a loss to Ohio, so this will either be easy pickings for Pitt or WVU was playing possum last week. (Also, is it possum or opossum?)
Anyway, Pat’s one of my favorite interviews, so I have no doubt this week’s show will be a ton of fun.
Lastly, there’s still time to vote on the stakes for this year’s ACC picks bet between Andrea and I.3
The options:
Loser has to skydive while wearing the jersey of the winner’s Alma mater
Loser camps out overnight at the stadium of the winner’s choosing
Loser has to road trip from Pitt to VT, stopping at every Sheetz along the way and ordering something different at each stop
Spend move-in day on campus of winner’s choice greeting freshmen in that school’s mascot costume
Get your vote in HERE. We’ll announce the verdict on this week’s show.
Also, if you’re not already subscribed to the Inside ACCess podcast, what’s stopping you? Do it. Do it now. Click HERE and find your favorite podcast platform.
Week 2 rankings
I don’t vote in the AP poll, which I mostly find dumb, but I’m forced to vote for ESPN’s power rankings, and I’ll release my ballot for that here each week.
My thoughts on rankings at this point: A handful of teams have actually done something (Ohio State, LSU, Miami, Iowa State, USF, Florida State) and a handful I think are good but haven’t really proven it (Penn State, Oregon, Georgia, Notre Dame). A few others either have an OK win or are probably good but haven’t looked the part (Illinois, Georgia Tech, Utah/Clemson, Michigan, South Carolina).
But really, it’s still very much a crap shoot. Who do I actually believe in right now? Honestly, pretty much no one. Of my current top 10, the only ones I’d be surprised to learn didn’t ultimately make the playoff are probably Ohio State and Oregon, and that’s as much a statement about the lack of depth in the Big Ten as anything.
As for the non-conference records, here’s where things stand through two weeks.
It’s obviously not good for the ACC, particularly coming off a bowl season in which the league went 2-11. That would mean the league is 15-22 in its last three weeks of games vs. FBS non-conference opponents. Ugly. But…
Duke lost to a top-15 Illinois team by 19, but also out-gained the Illini and dominated the line of scrimmage. Five turnovers were the issue.
SMU and Boston College lost in overtime.
Clemson lost by a TD to a top-5 LSU team.
Yes, Stanford and Virginia Tech and North Carolina might be awful. But the ACC plays more of these games than anyone else and, yes, manages to shoot itself in the foot more, too. I don’t think any of it means a whole lot yet though. The league’s better teams — FSU, Clemson, Miami, SMU, Georgia Tech and even Duke — have proven they at least belong on the field with good teams in other conferences. We’ll learn more as we go.
Welcome back, fantasy football
I got demolished in my Week 1 matchup. Also, this is what my bench looked like.
There’s nothing like fantasy football to remind you that you’re a complete idiot and whatever decisions you make in life will be wrong because the universe hates you.
Spread the word
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Can’t it be both?
God, has it only been 10 months? It feels like years have gone by since that happened.
Stupid Virginia Tech and their no-good, very-bad second half cost me a perfect 16-0 week in picks in Week 2.
Of every aftermath column I read Sunday/Monday (and trust me, I read them all) yours is routinely the best.
Keep at it. Jokes and all.